Sunday, December 5, 2010

SBL Nature Trail: Sarah Palin's epic story of reality tv survival

The Mat-Su Valley Grifter ventures onto the grassy champaign to ransack the mighty tundra.

For her freezer.

watch the video (h/t rumproast).

While back home, daughter Willow, has distilled the last of the summer turnips into some kind of polar night bathtub lightning. And a pack of rogue Alaskan wolamutes make quick work of the last 4 gallons of moose burger chili when the First Dood sets the cast iron cookfire dutch oven out to cool on the c-ment slab so he can go off and review videotape of first daughter Bristol's busker with the stars. Such is life in the wilds Anchorage metropolitan commuter suburbs of Wasilla.

So, what's a go-getter momma she-grizzly to do to keep food on her family but to saddle up the Discovery Channel film crew, throw the Browning 338 and a stag handle skinning knife into the back seat and strike out for ma nature's tundralicious home grown meat locker. See:

Sarah’s freezer is almost empty and winter is approaching. She embarks on an epic caribou hunting trip with her father, Chuck and friend Steve Becker. They travel 500 miles from the nearest city, above the Arctic Circle, in search of a caribou for food.

Tune in to "Sarah Palin's Alaska" this Sunday at 9pm ET/8pm central on TLC to see how we fill our freezers and feed our families with
home-grown tundra-roaming Alaskan wild game. We'll show you how Alaskans hunt. As my friend Sue says, "the tundra is the type of landscape that will make a man out of anybody."

So don't forget to tune in Sunday night to watch Sarah Palin pounce on a bog lemming and turn into a man. Or sumpin' like that.

Meanwhile, the First Dood will forage closer to home (about a mile and a half away from Lake Lucille to be more exact) in search of Alaskan Quiznos Flatbread Sammies and Papa Murphy's Take-N-Bake pizza pie. Yes, the wild shoreline of nearby Lake Wasilla abounds with victual goodies just begging to be bagged, tagged, dragged home and reheated in a microwave campfire.

(click image for closer look at wilderness picture)

You won't be be surprised if F.D. Todd returns from the hunt exhausted yet triumphant. Tabling a days limit of Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Six Dollar Burgers, Arby's Steakhouse Onion Rings and a jamocha permafrosty shake or two, before Mamma Grizzly has even had a chance to bite the head off a quivering Snow Bunting.

No need for the First Dood to travel 500 miles to throttle a fear paralyzed Tundra Swam with his manly bare hands or blast the rack off a reindeer just to prove his man-ups. No siree Todd. Just relaxing with a freshly field dressed Taco Bell crunchy supreme and a cold bottle of Alaskan spruce-tip winter ale, while listening to Bristol and Willow bullyrag a half dozen rat bikers from Chickaloon in the construction trailer behind the FOX News two-brew-ski-doo studio, is enough of an epic tweak for one dood, for one Sunday night.

Also too: that there canned heat turnip solvent ain't too bad afterall neither. It'll peel frozen moose chili slag from a cold cast iron kettle or summon the Gretta from the bar at the Best Western before you can say oh, yoo betcha' there, or whatever.


Additional maps of interest:

Provisional Hunting Grounds (amplification) Wasilla/Palin Homestead Immediate Area



jp said...

Oh Boy this is a good one, thank you farmer.

pansypoo said...

lawns on lake shores are bad. of course she is not a nature lover.

the farmer said...

thanks jp. i get a kick out of Snowgrift Snooki. Kinda the way one might get a kick out of watching a monkey playing a tambourine or smushing grapes on its own forehead. Or something like that.


pansypoo said...

it stopped be amusing nov 3. al gore should have hung around.

the farmer said...

what happened on nov 3?

pansypoo said...

oh wait. that was 2010. when was the election 2008? she should have slunk away like all losers.