Friday, December 30, 2011

Newtian Man and The Great Gazoo

Whenever I see a photo of Newt and Callista Gingrich they always remind me of Barney Rubble and The Great Gazoo.

You remember Barney Rubble of Flintstones fame. Of course you do.

Well, the Newt we see today looks (to me) like an age enhanced Barney Rubble.

Compare Early Opportunity Society (happy hunting grounds - early Reaganomic - tabula rasa / unformed mind) Newtian Rubble Dum-Dum Man to the (post Betty) Later Neoconservolithic Historiographian Age of Personal Adornment Tiffany Man Newt we see today.

Queen of the Bungaloo

At some point between Newtian Dum-Dum Man and Tiffany Man an amatory link to The Great Gazoo is established.

Remember Gazoo? The little space alien from another planetary time dimension that befriended Barney and Fred Flintstone and claimed to have invented a futuristic doomsday weapon. Of course you do.

Gazoo's name actually derives from the 1909 hit song, "King of the Bungaloos," by Charles Straight and Gene Greene. In it the narrator explains, "I just received a cable 'spatch from my ancestral home. It tells me I'm the great Gazoo, successor to the throne." - See Wiki

Well, whenever I see a picture of Callista I think of The Great Gazoo. And so should you.

And whenever I think of the possibility of Newt Gingrich becoming president of the United States I think of the Great Gazoo's doomsday weapon. And you should too.

Year after year, during the long winter months, I lay awake at night thinking about important anthropological stuff like this. That's right, I got nothing better to do.


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Winter: where the hell is it?

Photo from winter 2009.

Seems unusually warm this year and there ain't no snow to speak of. Where's all the snow? I'm kinda beginning to miss it. (I'll probably regret I said that)

Maybe it has something to do with all that hot gas in the atmosphere out in Iowa. It'll probably start snowing once that noxious GOP gasconade cloud drifts into New Hampshire. And eventually out to sea.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Newt Flipping

Oh, blessed giggling mother of Dork Rave Jeezis!

What do you get when you mix a bottle of menthol mint schnapps and a handful of MDMA?

A Newty 2012 campaign office Christmas party!



Saturday, December 24, 2011

Happy Christmas Eve

(click pic for bigger pic)

Not that it's snowing or anything like that. It ain't. Photo is from an earlier December snowfall. And it looks like a green Christmas this year. But that's ok with me. So merry christmas and happy new year and all that kinda stuff, SBLers.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Ron Paul is a cowardly lying weasel

He even looks like a weasel.

The kitchen, it burns! Paul scurries away from CNN interview. (Reuters)
The GOP presidential candidate -- and current leader in the Iowa polls -- walked out on CNN reporter Gloria Borger Wednesday after she pressed him about racist newsletters sent under Paul’s name in the early 1990s.

Paul insisted that he never wrote them, read them only after they were sent out and disavows them.

When asked about the money he supposedly made off them, Paul said “I’d like to see that money.”
Well, maybe Doctor Dementia should ask his wife and daughter if they can remember seeing any of "that money":
Financial records from 1985 and 2001 show that Rockwell, Paul's congressional chief of staff from 1978 to 1982, was a vice president of Ron Paul & Associates, the corporation that published the Ron Paul Political Report and the Ron Paul Survival Report. The company was dissolved in 2001.


The publishing operation was lucrative. A tax document from June 1993—wrapping up the year in which the Political Report had published the "welfare checks" comment on the L.A. riots—reported an annual income of $940,000 for Ron Paul & Associates, listing four employees in Texas (Paul's family and Rockwell) and seven more employees around the country. If Paul didn't know who was writing his newsletters, he knew they were a crucial source of income and a successful tool for building his fundraising base for a political comeback.


Besides Ron Paul and Lew Rockwell, the officers of Ron Paul & Associates included Paul's wife Carol, Paul's daughter Lori Pyeatt, Paul staffer Penny Langford-Freeman, and longtime campaign manager Mark Elam (who has managed every Paul congressional campaign since 1996 and is currently the Texas coordinator for the presidential run) [see 2008 article link below]

You can read more about Dr. Giggles and his adventures in publishing when you read this 2008 Reason Magazine article by David Weigel and Julian Sanchez: Who Wrote Ron Paul's Newsletters? - (hint: "some say" Lew Rockwell wrote the moronic racist crap.)

The following is an excerpt from one of the articles in Paul's newsletters. One of the articles Ron Paul claims he never wrote and he doesn't know who did. Via
Think Progress (Bold emphasis in below quote is mine.):
Instructions on Murdering Black Youth: A 1992 newsletter provided fairly detailed instructions on the best way to shoot and kill an African-American and get away with it. “If you live in a major city, you’ve probably already heard about the newest threat to your life and limb, and your family: carjacking. It is the hip-hop thing to do among the urban youth who play unsuspecting whites like pianos. . . . An ex-cop I know advises that if you have to use a gun on a youth, you should leave the scene immediately, disposing of the wiped off gun as soon as possible. Such a gun cannot, of course, be registered to you, but one bought privately (through the classifieds, for example). I frankly don’t know what to make of such advice, but even in my little town of Lake Jackson, Texas, I’ve urged everyone in my family to know how to use a gun in self defense. For the animals are coming.”

Guess who lives in a little town in Texas named Lake Jackson.

[On January 3, 2012] have a nice day, Iowans.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

PolitiFAIL! - wins FAIL Of The Year

This years Feckless Pander of the Year FAIL award goes to for their absurd conclusion that although it's true that the GOP/Paul Ryan plan to eventually convert Medicare to a privatized voucher system would essentially end Medicare "as we know it" - it is simply not true that a senior citizen dressed up like a fireman will appear at your front door to perform a striptease routine for your teenage daughter and her friends.

Think Progress
PolitiFact has just announced its finalists for 2011′s Lie of the Year. Oddly, the year’s most significant policy claim — the Democrats' charge that the Paul Ryan budget will end Medicare — made the list, even though it’s 100 percent true!

Here is why: Ryan’s plan ends traditional fee-for-service program and forces seniors to ultimately enroll in private coverage.

Under his proposal, beginning in 2022, people turning 65 will receive a pre-determined “premium support” payment to purchase private coverage. The insurers will offer a basic package of benefits, but traditional Medicare — the program that President Lyndon Johnson enacted in 1965 — will literally stop enrolling new beneficiaries.

Summary: decides to tether their credibility to a flat tire and fling the whole business onto a pyre of burning pants. Where they'll billow black gaseous smoke and stink up the atmosphere for at least a year. Or maybe forever... Goodbye Cruel World:
Politifact, R.I.P

This is really awful. Politifact, which is supposed to police false claims in politics, has announced its Lie of the Year — and it’s a statement that happens to be true, the claim that Republicans have voted to end Medicare.


The answer is, of course, obvious: the people at Politifact are terrified of being considered partisan if they acknowledge the clear fact that there’s a lot more lying on one side of the political divide than on the other. So they’ve bent over backwards to appear “balanced” — and in the process made themselves useless and irrelevant.

Way to go, guys.

MEANWHILE THE REAL LIE OF THE YEAR award goes to the claim that:
The stimulus created "zero jobs." ~ National Republican Senatorial Committee, Thursday, October 13th, 2011.

[edit/updated below - Dec 22, 2011]
And you don't need a smuggly self-satisfied muck-it-up from St. Petersburg, Florida to tell you that.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

SBL Nature Trail

This is a common Red Back Salamander. About 3-5 inches long. At least I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I have many - possibly hundreds of thousands - of these things living in my basement. They are always down there. Year after year, all year long. I have no idea what they do most of the time or what in gods name they find to eat down there. I assume they do not eat mice. But they seem to like it in the basement and thrive happily. As happily a salamander can thrive, I imagine. I've thought of trying to train them to do something but I'm having a hard time thinking of something for them to do that I can't do myself.

I tried to teach them to march around the basement floor in formation like some kind of salamandarian occupation army. I told them stories of giant hellbenders and recounted the legends of the mudpuppy kings. To inspire them. I even made some little flags and banners for them to carry around but that didn't work out to well either. They appear to lack the kind of discipline neccesary for this sort of thing. I was thinking of bringing in a large toad or spotted salamander or possibly a couple of red newts to lead them since they always run away and hide under a wet wood pallet or something like that whenever I command them to assemble for parade duty. Maybe they would listen to their own kind. Then again, maybe not.

Maybe, instead of trying to organize them into a disciplined amphibian army, I'll pick one or two of the best of the bunch and feed them enormous amounts of meal worms dipped in protein mix and see if I can raise a couple of 3-5 foot long salamonsters by next summer. And then I'll train them to climb a step ladder and leap into a kiddie pool full of wet dollar bills.

Or maybe I'll go back to trying to attach little tiny "headlamp" cameras to squirrels. Or maybe I'll take up playing golf in my living room. I could get the hole saw and cut holes through the carpet and floorboards and turn my living room floor into a putting green. So what?


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Santorum "Solid Cheese" On Tour


Rick Santorum and his Nights of Malta Party Knights band release their new recording just in time for Christmas and 2012 tour. Contains old favorites and new hits - including:

- Solid Block of Cheese
- Don't Bogart That Fetus, Pass It Over To Me
- Resurrection Sundae
- Outraising Cain
- Josemaría Lightning
- ConJoin in Des Moines
- Fecal Matter Lube Groove
- Man On Dog Google Bomb Blues
- Catholic Contraception Device
- Canonball Saints Boogie
- The Right to Privacy Does Not Exist!
- Candy Desk Defender


- Frothy Mix Dub

Order yours today! Before Mitt Romney buys the original master recording and all copies and drowns them at the bottom of Lake Winnipesaukee.


Rick Perry, Mayor of Monte Moronica, whistles for the dogs

[ "I'm not afraid to admit I'm a moron, but you don't need to be camping at the bottom of booby-hatch gulch to know that there's something wrong in this country when a fancy talkin' black guy can serve openly in the White House, but kids can't openly beat up homos or prostelytize in our schools. As President, I'll end Obama's war on re-lidgen and stoo-pidity and bigot trees, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our Christian fundamentalist heritage. Narrow minded dolts made America strong. An idiot like me can make her stong again. Hell, I'm so gaw-dang stoopit I couldn't pour water out of a boot if I was readin' the instructions on how to do it off of the heel! But I'm Rick Perry, and I approved this massage!... USA! USA!..."

[ psst: it's message ]

"...oh yeah, message. I approve this message. Oops." ]

or something like that


Whack-a-Newt / Contract On America's Hick

Will Newty "Pig Eyes" get the Tommy DeVito Treatment?

Code of Shills: Inside The Beltway's NeoContralto Pundit Crime Family: TPM
People might snicker when Newt Gingrich claims he’s a Washington outsider, but he’s not kidding that party elites really, really, really don’t want him to be the nominee.

As this ticket burns, may my soul burn in Hell if I betray the Wingnuti


Friday, December 9, 2011

The Debati in Des Moines

Santorum on Trump debate
(CNN) - Rick Santorum scoffed at some of his fellow GOP presidential candidates on Thursday for turning down Donald Trump's debate invitation.


"At this critical time in our nation's history, just weeks before Iowan's cast this important vote -- many of the other candidates want to hide behind TV ads and mail pieces," Santorum said. "We plan to be there front and center in person to debate Newt directly, and if it's just the two of us, we're fine with it."


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Lord Mittens, Master of Hounds!

...poised to release mammoth legion of scent-hounds and terrier men to pursue wily Newt through the campaign mires.

At least according to this ominous communique via the SF Gate
(12-07) 22:29 PST BOSTON (AP)

Mitt Romney has a not-so-secret weapon against Newt Gingrich.

The former Massachusetts governor has built a mammoth political machine unrivaled in the GOP field, a campaign that's well entrenched in the four states to vote in January — Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Florida — and touches dozens of other states that his opponents have largely ignored.

At its national headquarters, Romney's team is executing a strategy that takes advantage of new party rules that award convention delegates in a different way. And supporters from Alabama to Alaska say they're prepared for an extended primary battle that could go well into the summer.

Prepare the colours, summon the honorary secretaries, sound the horn!

Run Newty run. Run for the thickets.


SBL Nature Trail

It's suet season again.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Obama in Osawatomie

Obama's "Teddy Roosevelt" speech - Osawatomie, Kansas / Dec. 6, 2011

Now, just as there was in Teddy Roosevelt’s time, there’s been a certain crowd in Washington for the last few decades who respond to this economic challenge with the same old tune.

“The market will take care of everything,” they tell us. If only we cut more regulations and cut more taxes - especially for the wealthy - our economy will grow stronger. Sure, there will be winners and losers. But if the winners do really well, jobs and prosperity will eventually trickle down to everyone else. And even if prosperity doesn’t trickle down, they argue, that’s the price of liberty.

It’s a simple theory - one that speaks to our rugged individualism and healthy skepticism of too much government. It fits well on a bumper sticker. Here’s the problem: It doesn’t work. It’s never worked. It didn’t work when it was tried in the decade before the Great Depression. It’s not what led to the incredible post-war boom of the 50s and 60s. And it didn’t work when we tried it during the last decade.

Remember that in those years, in 2001 and 2003, Congress passed two of the most expensive tax cuts for the wealthy in history, and what did they get us? The slowest job growth in half a century. Massive deficits that have made it much harder to pay for the investments that built this country and provided the basic security that helped millions of Americans reach and stay in the middle class - things like education and infrastructure; science and technology; Medicare and Social Security.

Remember that in those years, thanks to some of the same folks who are running Congress now, we had weak regulation and little oversight, and what did that get us? Insurance companies that jacked up people’s premiums with impunity, and denied care to the patients who were sick. Mortgage lenders that tricked families into buying homes they couldn’t afford. A financial sector where irresponsibility and lack of basic oversight nearly destroyed our entire economy.

We simply cannot return to this brand of your-on-your-own economics if we’re serious about rebuilding the middle class in this country. We know that it doesn’t result in a strong economy. It results in an economy that invests too little in its people and its future. It doesn’t result in a prosperity that trickles down. It results in a prosperity that’s enjoyed by fewer and fewer of our citizens.

Full transcript available at Talking Points Memo


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Trump Guest Hosts GOP Variety Show

[ Herman Cain with "campaign advisers" Becky Beckistan and Princess Nancy. ]

Dec 27, 2011

Herman Cain responds to questions from discusses "Plan B" with moderator Donald Trump during a taping of the GOP presidential candidate debate in Iowa on Tuesday. The debate, which was taped at the Prairie Meadows Racetrack and Casino, just outside of Des Moines, is part of an ongoing "reality" comedy-horror series produced by the GOP/Republican National Committee called I Want To Be The President, Or Something.

The series is scheduled to run into the spring of next year and currently stars a cast of wacky Republican Party knuckleheads competing for the 2012 presidential nomination who find themselves in a variety of often ridiculous, frequently embarrassing, yet always hilarious situations and predicaments. The show is popular with a wide range of audiences and is reportedly a favorite with actual president of the United States, Barack Obama.



UPDATE Herman Cain has announced plans to suspend further direct involvement with the hit reality program So You Want To Be The President, Or Something. The popular cast member has decided to step away from his role on the series to devote more time to his one man lounge act adaptation of the 1961 musical hit Stop The World I Want To Get Off!. The two hour long one man show, renamed Stop The Campaign I Want To Get Off!, will be premiering on Thursday evening December 29th in the 70 seat Prairie Rose Room overlooking the Prairie Meadows racetrack in Altoona.

Mr. Cain will perform several song adaptations of the original musical including but not limited to:

1. "I Want To Be President" - an adaptation of "I Want To Be Rich".
2. "Mumbo Jumbo Pizza Pie" - an adaptation of "Mumbo Jumbo"
3. "Becki, Beckistan" - an adaptation of "Meilinki, Meilchick"
4. "9! 9! 9!" - an adaptation of "Nag! Nag! Nag!"
5. "What Kind of Fool Am I"
6. "Stop The Campaign I Want To Get Off!"

Tickets to the show will be available in the casino for $9.99 apiece (price does not include Early Bird Prime Rib buffet or cost of beverages). Doors open at 9pm.


Friday, December 2, 2011

How To Catch A Greased Newt - or - That Horse Can't Run In The Mud

Looks like we got a regular grand old pig scrample underway in the contest for the Republican Party nomination. And it looks like prissy lord Belmont of the uplands is going to have to lose the New & Lingwood reindeer leather loafers and qiviut mittens if he's going to catch up with a slippery Beltway grunter like Newton Leroy Gingrich. The GOP funfair mudpen circuit is no place for an upscale summer colony clover like the Mittster. Being outflanked early-on by an oafish self-appointed pearled swine is not the kind of trend a suave trader like Mitt Romney prefers to follow.

That Horse Can't Run In The Mud!

To make matters worse, on Tuesday, our thoroughbred managed to prance his way into a studio with Fox News interviewer Bret Baier. Unfortunately, for our unawares show horse, the program didn't unfold as expected when Baier began rattling off questions about the GOP pacesetter's previous volte-face show jumpings and general reverse prancings. This produced an alarming amount of fearful eyerolling and unflattering snorts and nervous fidgetting on the part of the studdly favorite. The normally smuggly confident bangtail looked like a nonstarter pony that stumbled upon on a coiled rattlesnake. Our Master Somerset trotted into the Fox News stable a well groomed stallion expecting a plate of molasses cookies and a free hoof polish but instead hobbled out a panic-struck gelding. Oops.

For Newt Gingrich, this is very good news. Mittens can't run in the mud! And Newty is clearly running in front around the first bend on an increasingly muddy track. There is nothing a greasy cob roller with a lifeline of revolving credit likes more than to be pursued into a muddy wallow by a castrated over-preened fop.

At this point, under these conditions, Newt isn't even his own worst enemy. Newt can tell anyone who will pay attention to him that he wrote all of Gene Autry's best loved songs, invented the game of golf after being declared the Earl of Musselburgh in 1670, and sired a line of space based Christian soldier-nauts that communicate secret messages to him via St. Josemaría Escriva and his wife Callista's platinum fiber hair helmet.

There are few ruts in the road in front of Newt at this point. Mittens, on the other hand, has his work cut out for him.

This ain't a horse race anymore. It's now a pig scramble. And Mitt's going to have to chase down a freshly greased Newton and hog-tie the oily bugger in the mud or else. Or else someone is going to be having a happy squealing greasy swine of a time in the Republican Party nomination winner circle sometime next summer.

And it won't be that Ambien overdose from Texas. Or Squirmin' Herman the sexy time pizza party guy. Or that spacey, sawed-off, Bible thumping busybody from Minnesota that looks like an evil Hobbit or a Vaughn Bode cartoon character. Or any of the other canditritus swirling about in the wingnutosphere.

Unless perhaps, the empress of the North Star - the human slide whistle - rises again. And decides to snatch up as many of her dirty little bastards as she can hold onto, fetches the naughty monkey pumps from under the burrito-skin upholstered sofa, and parades them all out to the Gulfstream II for a barnstorm bluster-blitz of the lower 48... and all that, too, also*.

[*Christ almighty. In that event we'd be looking at a greasy pig with a naughty monkey on its back fleeing through the muck with a neutered ascot catalog model sloshing behind in hot prusuit. It's too much - to horribly crazy - to process at this point.]

So, putting aside the horribly crazy, in order to help out the Romney campaign, who clearly have no idea how to tackle a runaway greased pig, I've decide to research greased pig chasing in the hope the Romneylins can use this information to help get a handle on what needs to be done to strenghten The Mitt's market position. And I found an article laying around on the intertube titled How to Catch a Greased Pig. This is some of what it advised:
1. Chase the pig as if you were chasing something just to its right (left if you're left footed). This causes it to turn left (right) instinctively, but more importantly, slows it down a little.

Of course! This is a given considering today's Tea Party dominated GOP. And Mitt will need to force Newt to the left if he hopes to position himself properly on the right.

For instance: When Newt Gingrich advocates for orphanages and child custodial labor Mitt must respond by pointing out that child custodians will only put the child's parents out of work and it isn't good for family stability to have a dad or mom displaced from their job by their own children. Especially a child who is willing to work for a fraction of the wages mom or dad will work for.

Mitt should advocate instead for new child job creation. Brand new jobs for children. For instance, child caddies on golf courses. A child can accompany any golfer to carry a bag or run around locating a lost golf ball or crack open a beer or be trained to estimate handicaps (thereby developing math skills).

Plunk a ball into a pond and all you need to do is tie a rope or a chain to the child and they will swim into the pond to retrieve the ball. Any extra balls they happen to retrieve they will be allowed to keep and sell by the side of a highway in their spare time. It's healthy sporting all Murican exercise, and it's character building outdoor work which every kid loves or at least will love someday. What could be more productive for a child! It's almost as much fun as selling meth to strippers outside a titty bar on a balmy Saturday night! And it's the kind of work parents who are employed as janitorial staff (or titty dancers) refuse to do.

Don't forget to recommend that some children can be employed by banks to sort through piles of dismembered mortgage securities. Any child who can reassemble a defaulted mortgage which results in a successful foreclosure will earn an alloted number of discontinued Bain Capital mousepads which the child can eventually sew together to create his or her very own mattress. I like to call this my "Mousepads to Mattresses" childrens crusade. Or, if the kids work really hard, they can transform their mousepads into an artificial putting green. Awesome!
2. Sprint suddenly and try to get next to the pig. 3. Jump diagonally across onto the pig off your better foot. [...] Aim to get your leg over the pig's back. 4. As you come down on the pig, hook your legs under the pig and back between the pig's rear legs, so that your heels are between the pig's rear legs. 5. Get your arms around the pig's neck, and push your legs back and up, hooking the rear legs. In this position, it's very hard for the pig to shake you, greased or not. If you find yourself sliding left or right, allow one free hand to push off the ground to restore balance. If you slide back or forth, you need to tighten your grip: push up with the legs and arms.

As you can see from the bold text above it is important to shift to the center once you have the pig under control. At this point, just to be on the safe side, you may have to denounce privatization of the state and local police departments as long as you stick to your pledge to allow the Cub Scouts of America to carry unconcealed semi automatic sidearms to chicken barbeques and pow-wows and Pinewood Derby events. Ok, so now...
6. The pig's reaction will be to run faster. Let it tire itself out for a bit while you expend minimal energy holding your position. 7. When you feel the pig faltering, straighten your legs as hard as you can. This will immobilize the rear legs. The pig will fall to one side, at which point you should unhook your leg from the underside before it lands or you could break your leg. 8. Keep the upper rear leg hooked and grab the upper front leg. The pig will be unable to get up.

Got that? Ride the pig until it gives up. Once the pig gives up you are free to hoist it up by it's hocks and boink it on the head with a ball peen hammer. No more greased pig to worry about in the winners circle. Turn it over to the kids selling golf balls and methamphetamine by the highway. Or the Cub Scouts. They'll sell pulled pork BBQ to bikers and strippers and the state police. Lord Mittens of the Belmont Uplands can now run for President as the as a job creator and champion of the second amendment.

Or you can just sit back and watch all the crazy bullshit fly by until November 2012 when you go to the polls and vote for the lanky smiley Hawaiian guy from Chicago.

'A'ole pilikia.