Friday, January 6, 2012

SBL Campaign Spoor - New Hampshire

Rick Santorum, dressed like some kind of nerd chic Spanish falangist, campaigned in New Hampshire on Thursday. Santorum visited Concord where he managed to make a frothy a-hole of himself in front of a bawdy student audience that, upon his conclusion:
lustily booed as he exited stage right. (NPR)

What's a chaste Catholic integralist supposed to do with a mob of intractable 17 year old high school tarts who want to turn traditional marriage into some kind of pederastic Greek orgy? Never any sharia law around when ya need it.

Moving along...

Newt Gingrich's zombie candidacy staggered into New Hampshire at 3am, tipped over a bellman's cart, and killed all the front desk clerks at the Holiday Inn. Gingrich, gurgling and sputtering and spitting out several of his own dead teeth, proceeded to threaten to devour Mr. Romney's internal organs, drown the rest of the Romney family in the blood, and throw their twitching bodies into the lake in front of their stately Squish Manor country estate unless Romney and his pampered brood agreed to secure the dog to the roof of their Gulfstream II and fly back to France or Mexico or Salt Lake City or wherever in hell it is they came from in the first place.

I doubt Newty's walking dead threat will have much impact at this point. Although that crazy newspaper in New Hampshire has endorsed his latest awakening. Neverthless, for Gingrich, a man who has shacked up with as many religions as he has wives, there is little left to hope for and nothing left to lose at this point. So I expect him to continue terrorizing the population no matter how much gore spills into the streets and to possibly even roll into Florida as an Orthodox Jew. Who knows, he may even get remarried sometime between now and South Carolina. Is Victoria Jackson hitched?

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, reposing safely in his secretive lakeside panic room at Squish Manor, consults with his other Mitt Romneys on which Mitt Romney crash test dummy will be dispatched in the immediate future to test the campaign's overall impact throughout New Hampshire.

Live Tax Free or Die in Monaco!
Mr. Romney, responding with quickened air hungry gasps, still refuses to release his tax returns when asked to do so. Most likely because he left them in a desk drawer in one of his many majestic country homes scattered across our amber wave of baronial acres or because, maybe, he has no idea what a tax return is in the first place.

But as soon as he finds out what it is and what people are asking for to begin with he will release them. Whatever they are. If in fact they need to be released or not. Or perhaps, sadly, have escaped on their own to somewhere like the Caymen Islands where they cannot be reached by phone. Or something.

In other candidate news:
Dr. Ron Paul visited the Portsmouth Naval Station where he declared the White Mountain National Forest unconstitutional and demanded the immediate trial or release of all German U-Boat crews still being held in the Portsmouth Naval Prison. Later in the afternoon Dr. Paul and a small entourage of campaign aides panned for gold along the Ammonoosuc River near Bath where a young admirer hunting Fisher Cats mistook the seemingly cuddly old fool for the famous hillbilly moonshiner Popcorn Sutton.

When the candidate explained who he was and asked the young feller if he would vote for him in the upcoming primary he responded that he would think about it but it seemed kind of suspicious voting for someone with two first names who didn't live around these parts and was standing next to a burning U-Haul trailer full of combustible newsletters. But he'd check into it nevertheless.

Ok, that's all for now from the campaign trail in New Hampshire, the Magna Carta State.



pansypoo said...

meanwhile the rational huntsman(still wrong, but rational)is ignored.

Betty Cracker said...

Re: Zombie Newt -- I think Victoria Jackson is already making some foolish man's eardrums bleed in holy matrimony. But Ann Coulter is unhitched. I reckon Newt could dump Calista at some random Massachusetts cancer ward, swing by Tiffany's and pick up some bling and drive on down to FL to woo Coulter.

the farmer said...

Coulter, i forgot about her. That would be a good choice for Newty. They'd make a good looking pair too. Like Boris and Natasha!


pansypoo said...

what about any of the blond bitters at fux?