Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wingnut Party Room!

In recognition of important historical milestones:

On February 27, 2014, the Tea Party Patriots celebrated its fifth birthday at the Hyatt Regency in Washington, DC. Highlights of the occasion included screechy Mark Levin (pronounced LaVeen) accepting the coveted Histrionics of the Year award for his frantic performance in a radio comedy program.

Levin took the podium and praised the Tea Party Patriots for their triumph of will and steadfastness in the face of tyranny and altogether awesomeness and accepted his award to great fanfare and was marched victorious from the stage by a Lilliputian color guard wearing felt tricorne hats and knee-breeches. After waving goodbye to the adoring audience he was led to a small Gala-Coupe carriage drawn by a team of noisy Pilgim Geese which waited to whisk him away into the sparkling winter evening of our nation's capitol.

The party had only begun.

Party goers were treated to a variety of fun and games and folk crafts (free rub-on Andrew Breitbart tatoos!) but also exercised their freedom of speech rights to express their dissatisfaction with Arizona's stalinist Governor Jan Brewer over her decision to veto the God given right of Arizona citizens to throw Marcus Bachmann out of a Christian bakery for behaving like a mincing fairy.

And stealth paleo-conservative, or third positionist, or whatever he is, Rand Paul implored the assembled masses to refrain from saying mean or stupid stuff about opponents (unless, presumably, you are talking about Bill or Hillary Clinton) or something. That didn't necessarily go over so well, the part about not saying mean or stupid stuff that is, but anyway...

The huge audience numbering well into the dozens (perhaps 15-80 thousand by Sean Hannity's estimates) cheered and booed and stomped about and demanded an end to Mrs. Obama's thuggish mommy-state tactic of cramming fresh vegetables down real American throats as well as expressing their objections to any domestic spending on socialistic home improvement and repair projects that do not involve mounting a rubber-band machine gun aboard a Fisher-Price Brute Force Power Wheels ride-on or securing an inflatable bouncy house replica of Ronald Reagan's Santa Barbara ranch in the back yard.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (son of Buller and Erma Sue Gohmert) of Texas wowsered the audience with an uplifting story of the power of prayer and Texas birth tourist Ted Cruz of Calgary, Canada reminded everyone that the right to carry a concealed pantload into schools and onto playgrounds was first secured by America's founding father of concealed number two amendment pantoload rights - the honorable Motor City Mad Shitter himself - one Theodore A. Nugent. Cruz reminded the crowd that  "liberty is never safer than when politicians are terrified," especially when they are terrified of some babbling nut packing a week old pantful of crap and a very crazy look in his eyes.

The crowd roared with approval and a pulsing chant of "TED! - TED! - TED!" filled the room. Although, it was unclear which Ted they were chanting for mostly on account of all the very crazy looks in the eyes of pretty much everyone in the room.

The event continued with visits from a number of other notable party rental clowns including Michele Bachmann of Minnesota and Mike Lee of Utah who agreed to lock Harry Reid up in his garage if Michele would agree to lock her husband up in a closet.

The evening concluded when a bumblebee with the face of John Boehner flew into the room and everyone began screaming and ran out of the building. Organizers later concluded that bumblebees are uncommon in Washington, DC in February and speculated that it may have been released into the crowd to foment an atmosphere terror by a member of the drive-by media or by femi-Nazis or homo-fascists or freemasons or subhuman atheist mongrels or radical global warmists or whatever.

But not to worry. It'll take more than a bumbling Bonerbee drone to scare away the true belivers for too long.

Another organized tantrum will follow on March 6-8 when the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) convenes at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. 

Confirmed speakers will include Chris "Captain Traffic Cone" Christie, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Rand Paul, Wayne LaPierre, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz and basically the usual assortment of slippery political mountebanks, grifters and merry-andrews.

Also scheduled, on the 6th at 6:30 pm, something called the "ACU 50 & Fabulous Concert Celebration Sponsored by Tea Party Patriots," and featuring a music act titled, appropriately enough, "Carolina Liar" will kick out the jams in the Potomac Ballroom until well past 8:15pm and then conclude at 8:30pm when everyone will wander off to the bar for white russians and nachos. And then wander back to the Potomac Ballroom around 8:45  to listen to Morton Blackwell wheeze on and on about Richard Viguerie's money faucet, Young Americans for Freedom, the 1964 Goldwater campaign (because what kind of self respecting gawd-fearin' patriotic student of Ronald Reaganism wouldn't want to sit through a 45 minute spellbinder about the untapped potential of direct mail activism in the early 1970s!) or whatever medley of disintegrating oldies Blackwell will likely spin for any 50 & Fabulous celebrants who don't decide instead to go back to their hotel rooms to watch Mob Wives at 9pm.

Of course we will probably never learn what happens between March 6 and 8 anyway - because by the time CPAC is in full swing Obama will have declared martial law, assumed dictatorial powers and turned the Gaylord Resort into an initial staging ground for FEMA camp relocations. So, after all is said and done, none of this will really amount to a hill of shitty beans.